I usually keep a regrouping long babble ramble to myself. However, I chose to do it here.
I appreciate the Disability Pride notes I've read yesterday. Especially because my scitzophernia medication management team in the past and in another state thought that over medication and barely functioning was supposed to be acceptable. Later in another state, I had a team that had a different view and began more of my empowering experience teams.
This was great until they wanted me to try less medication even though it was already working for some time and I was making progress. I wondered what their problem was ---I was treated with I wasn't motivated enough, not losing weight, not socializing enough, and not working. (My progress wasn't acknowledged ---I assumed I had to pretzel some more, instead of being myself) (PS. Asmolov isn't always the exact hierchary of growth, because growth and change is circular, and even sometimes as I've seen elsewhere --a cha-cha-cha dance).
In the 42year journey, when I would have setbacks, some people would make the wrong assumption that it was drug and alcohol or not taking meds. More frustration and stigma...even more isolation from family from non-conversations.....and even cutting me off midsentence, or raising some form or another of a negative when I would mention any form of encouragement or positive from recent, or past experience.
Why did I feel so much of this as bullying, and disrepect...and chose to distance myself from people. Tell me how would you feel?
Forward to time with Vocational Rehabilition (VR) and fighting to focus on my own dreams, and constructive interests....FINALLY got a really encouraging turning point.....a VR counselor that can help when I am doing bumbling communication, and will listen and simplify and respond respectfully, and intentionallly, and is willing to support any and all kinds of small win along the way. (though I don't share all of them, because I know she has other people and things to handle) Anyways, I found out another brain/body quark I have, and now have a neurodivergent counselor to help me learn how to cope with autistic burnout exhaustion, which also happens with me when enjoyable things happens. Thankfully, over the years (before I had this late-diagnosis, newer to the field- understanding of brain/body) I had years of practice of learning to practice at track reactions and triggers to psychosis, and eventually found some early warning symptoms, (I can only do that under certain brain/body states, and not 24/7) and much later some pre-early warning symptoms. How does this help me now? #1 Celebrate my progress from a practice, not a perfection. #2 In my today world, I choose to let myself have self-respect by choice, and self-compassion to practice some more -now with both autistic burnout exhaustion, and for what is realistic: track triggers, and pre-warning symptoms.
Sometimes, lately though I consider the option of give it up, and just bumble a long without people as much as possible. Problem is: I like people, I'm just not quite sure how to take care of myself, and still have umph for people, let alone energy for 10-20minute conversation....which can sometimes be a marathon for me, and not even daily. Sometimes, it is a challenge to handle 2 minutes.
The point try communication, before assumptions.
I've had people ask me: "Why don't your friends help you? "It's not their job", I say to myself. I've had people ask me, "Why doesn't your family help you?". (I say to myself: It's not their job.) I've had people ask: "What do you do all day?" I say to myself, "I try to mind my own business." All this does not work well together, but the one that really is bothersome, "Why don't you drive or afford Uber"?" I say to myself: "Because limits are limits.) I get asked: "Why can't you handle everything? I say to myself: "No one is designed to".
I once had a cast of about 42 voices and on top 2 main jokers hallucinations....I've over came a lot, and just once in a while I resent people who say they are here for me, but exclude me, or just don't listen, or want more for me to change, (without any constructive suggestions on their part, or totally delusional in another way ---like vitamins could change psychosis): or as one counselor believed in...that learning how to breathe correctly could cure psychosis. Not my truth
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I get really frustrated that sometimes I have to fight to be heard to get help with something basic when I am sick. Sometimes the help comes with difficult for me high emotional, mental, and physical costs...of which might be cleared up if I was actually heard. I'll be working on finding people who can do that.....Instead of those who say they understand, but do not behave that way.
When, I've said to them such - to start a resolve the situation conversation, I've been met with being told I'm wrong. This makes things increase my distrust, because I interpret this as I have no right to think and feel what I do, and therein shouldn't be human disabled or even exist Thankfully, I've met other people who can have reapectful, non-condensending discussion.
I've advocated for myself for quite awhile....it is a confusing thing to do, and meeting in the middle ground is my preferred option. It just takes me long time to get there.
I must remember that one person cannot be all things to all people. Just as the earth cannot be all things to the universe. Trees and water are highly relevant to life on earth, but capitalism is a disease that doesn't care.
Nothing is perfect to everyone.
Yet, everyone is unique because we are all the same: different.
My current autistic exhaustion has lead to needing two CT scans. I was not ready for such a drastic shift in 1.5 weeks, and plus more blood work labs.
Glad to say I have 3 team members to meet with in the coming week that I am looking forward to, and grateful I have time and most resources to rest and regroup for a while. I'm still not sure about the coming week assistance.
I am not fully independent in some ways, and sometimes I remember no one really is, because where would any of us be without the sun, moon, earth, and trees, and water. The universe supports all of us in different ways and times. This is what I most need to remember. My inner weather changes, as does the earth weather....can't predict everything, either...
ever seen two weeks hurricane tracking before the minutes it actually arrives? I heard said in some (Paraphrased) doom is scheduled to arrive at a specific time, within the seconds prior to arriving and it shifts its destination elsewhere.
Some are predicted and follow a path and arrive there. You never know which one it will be until seconds afterwards.
I work hard at staying away from blame. It serves no one, especially me. (Yes, sometimes I have to watch out for myself in that way.)
I know of other things I have accomplished over the years, but the good or the challenging I really try not to glorify, and respect that this dimension of common reality is designed for perfection of imperfection and the joke of imperance...so growth and change happens with the universe, and the human beings within it as it all works in tandem. (special thanks to 'work in tandem' from movie Wicked Part 1)
I get frustrated with the constant one-sided nothing ever good enough, especially when that 'enough' is sometimes only one decision way.
Sometimes it is: Have I had enough? and, Am I willing change? (Thanks Kenny Moore) Sometimes it is: Have I changed enough? and am I satisfied? sometimes it is call: 1-800-I-Decide (thanks roomates in Cleveland), and as Mary Rose Bloom put it: I can decide: I am enough. (please note the period at the end of the sentence :) This decision has three parts: 1) decide the what; 2) experience the journey of it arriving: 3) adjustments along the way of it coming, going, and returning. Peace can do this also. All of it belongs, just like each living thing. You included.
Also: I choose Peace within. sometimes I have to wait til the waves calm, and sometimes, I have to go under the waves where it is still. (Thanks John Kabatt-Zin book: "Wherever You Go ~ There You Are". No matter how often I re-read this book, or remember somethings---it continues to deepen within me "moment to moment". (My opinions in this blog, and post are mine. I have no affiliate links for this book, nor does that author endorse this post/blog and might even disagree with it.)
Visual Art Photo Words: "Let the Peace within Reside" vm2019
